Today I am thinking that I am a selfish person enjoying my days without stress or alarm clocks. I can pick and choose what I care to do without restrictions. If I choose to eat soup or a salad, use paper plates and plastic ware, who cares? I love being alone and hardly ever feel lonely. This love of solitude could sound unhealthy but I feel comfortable in this setting. Now my insides are jittery and my mind is racing at full speed. My privacy, my schedule and plans might be in for a upheaval. Joe, my second oldest son has just lost his job. He has already suffered a heart attack this year and miraculously survived to recuperate and take a position that was out of his field of food and supermarkets. The new position was setting up stores with craft items in a very large setting. For weeks he has been hinting that the Manager complained he was not doing the job right but he was hanging in. In my mind it was only a matter of time before the ax fell.
He is in dire straits with numerous financial obligations, in addition to a complete denial of his problems that need professional guidance.
When does a Mother stop being a Mother worrying and caring? At eighteen, thirty or never? Love and understanding is a given, but grown men do not want Mom’s advice. Ironically, they want to be treated like children again when they are hurting. Who cares for us in this manner when we are hurting? Mom’s are never supposed to be weak or in need. I am praying that if I ever become needy, one of my sons will be here for me at the drop of a hat. In the mean time I am reluctant to invite my son back here to find his way once again. I don’t have the patience or the stamina and although I love him with all my heart, I am feeling resentful. In reality, Motherhood never ends – it just continues till the end – whenever that might be. For now, I am praying for strength.
Current Mood: Confused & Sad