All I Want

Strange title to a post but it is what I so much to express to all who might feel the same way and need to vent a little.  I have never asked for diamonds, pearls, fancy smancy unaffordable gifts, money, vacations and such.  But I have always stressed that a  handmade card or a drawing or a gift from the $1.00 store would be fine and appreciated by me.

Yesterday I spent the better part of the day making and receiving calls from and to  sons, brother, sisters and long term friends with each of us laughing and wishing each other a Merry Holiday and a wonderful New Year to come.  We laughed and thought of holidays past when I hosted the Christmas dinner party of  an Italian platter of assorted salami, cheese, olives, red peppers, anchovies to be followed by Stuffed shells, meatballs, sausage (hot and sweet) garlic bread (lots of it) and then a Baked ham with sides of breaded fried artichoke hearts, cauliflower rolled in egg and flour and fried golden brown and maybe a tomato salad drenched with olive oil and oregano.  Hmmm that all brings forth a yearning for these foods that today are too heavy for me to digest and I really  don’t have the huge family locally to partake in this festive feast anymore.

I wonder now where this whiz of a woman with boundless energy went as I recall doing all of the  cleaning, shopping preparation even though I worked full time and was a single parent.   But I fondly  remember my nieces making an assembly line of washing and drying dishes and stacking them for me to put away once everyone had left.  This was a big help as we had lots of fancy platters and special dishes that I used just for special occasions.  There are some days now when I treat myself to a nice place setting instead of a paper  or plastic plate.  When you dine alone, simplicity makes more sense.

For the past twenty years I have lived out of state and away from my family so that the mailman and I have become good friends as I recall birthdays, graduations, special occasions.  Checks, cash and gifts and yes,  I pride myself on never having missed a birthday or anniversary of anyone in my family.   And so as my grandchildren became of adult age of 18 I stopped the birthday and Christmas presents and just sent my cards.

My gifts in return were from everybody and never a gift from a grandchild that they alone had bought and sent.  Each passing year right around my birthday and Christmas I would hope  a trinket or  a pair of earrings, perhaps a puzzle book or an exercise tape, a CD by one of my favorite singers would come in the mail, but nothing, nothing.

Yes, by the way I did allow myself to have a glimmer of hope that just maybe this year I just might cross one of their minds and say “hey, what about my Nana”?’

Well what do you know! No card and no phone-call and no present from my adult grandchildren.  Yet,  my ten year old Joey that lives with his Mom remembered to call and to thank me for his gift and tell me how much he loves me and that I always buy the right size and color and know just what he needs.   I know his Mom has been teaching and reminding him to say ‘thank you” and it is heartwarming and loving to hear Joey on the phone.but to hear nothing from the other grandchildren set me up for tears on Christmas Day.  As the hours passed and still no phone call I tried to hide my disappointment as I dined and went to a movie with my son and wife but still hoping there might be a voice mail or email from one or all of them. But there was no message of any kind and so I am seriously thinking about just giving up as it only hurts for a little while and just practice starting now to remember to forget.  Perhaps I am becoming over-sensitive but I do have feelings and I still tear up when I am hurting and I really don’t feel a person of years should be getting hurt.

Do you?   Besides, I would so much rather be laughing at loud and smiling from happiness.  So I am thinking Ms Millie has to toughen up and like I said earlier “Just remember and then forget” as you turn the pages to a brand new year.  I know my teachings to my sons were to be thoughtful of their grandparents and so who got lost along the way?

Current Mood:Sad emoticon Sad

2 Replies to “All I Want”

  1. “Just remember and then forget…….truer words were never spoken!
    I don’t visit your website very often but when I do I am always “moved”.
    I’m happy to say that I know you……..Happy New Year!
    SPENCER, “THE WORLD FAMOUS CAR DETAILER” HELLER

  2. Happy New Year to you- Yes we have been friends for many a year and I appreciate your words. And, yes you are a World Famous Car Detailer! My older model always looks brand new!

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