In the past seven decades of my life I have made so many decisions and faced many a challenge that I am shocke! In retrospect, how did I do it and survive? Who helped me through it and who guided me? My best guess is that I used my intuition and confidence in my making the right choice and then facing it head on.
I never asked for help as I wasn’t blessed with a family that was taught to help one another. In fact, it was the complete opposite. ” We were to told to keep it to yourself and don’t show your feelings. Present yourself (always wearing a smile) even though you might be crying inside with insecurity.” And so I did, through many years of my life including marriage divorce and raising three children as a single working parent.
Where did I get this energy and stamina? I don’t really know. Maybe I was just too proud. Or should I say, that is how I used to be! No more playing the martyr for me. My years are catching up to me and my health has started its decline with the diminished “vim and vigor and the labored breathing.” I am finding that I am fearful at the prospect of becoming incapacitated with no one to care for me. My sons are too far in distance to help and assisted living is too expensive. I miss not seeing my family and getting those awesome hugs and kisses. It is a small fortune to pay for the airfare, hotel and transportation to and from plus the oxygen I need wherever I go. Losing close friends and neighbors and facing mortality is painful. I know it is part of life’s cycle, but it is difficult to face and accept.
And so I worry and wonder what should I do? Do I sell my place and go where? What happens when I can no longer drive and walking to stores is not possible for me? I do have lots of friends that can help me out every so oftten but surely not continuously.
Getting older is not easy at all and I don’t want to worry my sons as they have so much on their plates as it is. But their Mom is worried. And new chapters are frightening and challenging to say the least!
Current Mood: Surprised